I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
