Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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