At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
