remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
