we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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