i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
