I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
