My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I need to calm my uterus...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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