got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
