i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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