I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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