two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
