I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
