I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
