This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
