I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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