last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
