He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
