I'm passing your future prison.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
