How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
