She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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