I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
