some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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