Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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