I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
