some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
