i would punch a child for taco bell
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
