Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
