rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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