Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
