Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Farmville is her only friend.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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