Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
