ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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