if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
