Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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