you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
