tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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