My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I am spending my child support on dildos
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
