dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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