Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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