She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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