All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
