we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
