she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Michael Bay diarrhea
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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