Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I checked into jail on foursquare
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
