The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
