I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
