Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
