Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
