I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
