I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
