I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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