He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
why do cheetos always look like penises
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
